Symbols
by staceycj
Summary: Tag 10X05. Dean does some soul searching aided by the Supernatural books.


_The amulet was in Dean's possession, Cass had given it back, it didn't work as a God EMF, and Cass had no more need for it. That was fine as far as Sam was concerned. The last several months without the amulet hanging around Dean's neck had made Sam uncomfortable, nervous even. He and Dean hadn't been getting along very well since Sam had started the Apocalypse because of his blood fueled, blood addled brain's reasoning that he was right and that his brother was too weak, too scared to be able to take care of what needed taken care of, since Bobby had been paralyzed, since Sam felt, for the first time in his life, that he wasn't the most important person in Dean's world. And now, since the trip through heaven, or at least some dick angel's version of what their heavens would be like, Sam wanted that comfort of seeing the amulet hanging around Dean's neck. Because it meant that no matter how bad things were Dean still valued him as a brother, as a man, and as a friend. _

_So when Cass had tossed that symbol back to Dean, unceremoniously and without the reverence Sam felt it deserved, he expected Dean to immediately put it back around his neck because that was what Dean had done ever since he had received it all of those Christmases ago. But that's not what happened. Dean held it over the trash can, and Sam held his breath, and Dean let it drop. The thunk it made as it landed in the meatal trash can mirrored his heart falling into his stomach. His brother had just thrown away their bond, thrown away their brotherhood, and Sam felt lost, adrift in the world suddenly. Because without Dean's unconditional love, unconditional support, and unconditional companionship, did this life really matter? _

_Sam choked back tears, he couldn't let Dean know how badly that one action had broken something inside of Sam. They had work to do as Dean had said many times since they got back on the road together. And he had to be up to the task, he had to prove his worth to his brother, and he couldn't do that by crying._

Dean tried to move to the next page, the next chapter of the unpublished manuscript, but there was no more. It had ended on that completely and utterly depressing note. He closed the laptop softly and put it on his nightstand. He remembered that. He remembered being so hurt and so sad and so utterly convinced that Sam didn't give a damn about him that it served no purpose any more. He figured, especially since Sam had never mentioned the incident, that it hadn't mattered a whole hell of a lot to him, so what was the point of worrying about it? Even though he had longed to go back to that motel, retrieve that necklace and put it back around his neck, he didn't…he couldn't. Because what he said to Marie the other day was true, he didn't need a reminder of what his brother meant to him.

Sam meant everything in the world to him. Always had. Always will. Had the damn mark of Cain on his arm to prove it. He only did that to prove to his brother that he could be strong, that he knew what he was doing, knew what was best, and well look at how that had turned out. One of the many reasons, he told himself, that he had discarded the one single gift that had meant anything in the world to him was that Sam wouldn't care, that Dean didn't need to broadcast his feelings, his vulnerabilities, his weaknesses, to anyone, especially to Sam who obviously didn't feel the same way. Because the amulet, or Samulet as they called it on that silly theater production, was most certainly a symbol, God EMF be damned, it was a symbol of love and brotherly affection that for most of the last several years Dean had felt was one sided and felt that it was unwanted at best and despised at worst.

Had he known that Sam needed it to be around his neck just as much as he needed it to be around his neck he would never have discarded it. Marie was right. He shouldn't have thrown it away.

He got up and headed out of his room, wondering now if his brother's smile when he put the fake amulet on the rearview mirror was less amusement at the silly prop or more relief that Dean felt the same way he always had, and the symbol was hanging there to prove it.

Dean headed towards the garage, he wanted to vacuum baby one more time, he had neglected her so much during his demon time, and he was trying to right all of the wrongs he had committed while he was a knight of hell, and keeping baby clean was the easiest. Repairing his relationship with Sam was so much more difficult, and he was ashamed of all of the things he had said and done to his little brother to cause the deep grief and pain he had read about in the books and the unpublished manuscripts he was slowly plowing through. He had realized after reading the second book last night, that he wasn't just reading them to be reading them, he was looking for pieces of Sam…pieces he had never known about. For a man who once claimed that there wasn't anything he didn't know about Sam, he sure as hell had a lot to learn.

Cleaning baby out would help him put some things into perspective and hopefully give him some insight into his brother, and help him figure out what to do to repair the relationship that meant most and had been neglected the worst.

He turned on the lights and grabbed the shopvac and headed towards baby and stopped dead in his tracks as when he caught light glinting off of a metal object hanging from the rearview mirror. There, hanging on Sam's side, was the amulet that he had discarded in that motel room nearly five years ago. Dean slowly opened Sam's car door and sat down in his seat, he the amulet swung on its string. Dean caught it mid-swing and the metal was so familiar in his hand, the shape so comforting. Sam had kept it. Dean slumped back against the seat, shocked and amazed.

A single tear rolled down his cheek. As a hunter, Dean knew that symbols were powerful, he'd used them to expel angels, to trap demons, and they had been used to create something out of nothing for centuries, but staring him in the face was a symbol that was more important than any of those, it symbolized the power of the Winchesters, because when they were together, anything was possible, and everyone else be damned. He let the amulet go, and it swung back and forth, tapping the fake amulet on Dean's side, and they swung together, in unison.


End file.
